*I will edit this post as i read more of the book, this is just after my first go

The Sword of the Bastard Elf is a massive gamebook, it is even bigger than me nob, i know, something scientists thought was impossible but there you go! My fiancee treated me to this recently and last night i thought i’d have a brief read before tea. (I had Caribbean vegetable curry and rice and peas if you’re interested!) I didn’t read all the introduction as there is 70 pages before you get to start your adventure but flicking through there is a lot of stuff in there, that’s nearly 1/7 of a full FF book just on the introduction!

My mum and step-dad Jeff (prick) kick me out and after spending the afternoon jerking off miserably in my room, (hey, who doesn’t like a good cry wank before going on an adventure!), you are into the book proper. First options are to hang around the village, head off to Bilgetown where your real dad apparently lives or go through a forest. I went into the forest and after beating a massive bat style creature in a fight (and humiliating him by drawing a cock and some tits on his face and torso with his own shit!) i shagged his missus before having a post coital cigarette and heading off. I ended up working for pixies carving holes in rocks with a pick-axe they then use for homes, they give me hallucinogenic drugs and i have a place to stay so i will call that a victory! Probably less than 20 sections read out of over 1800, this is going to have a lot of other stuff going on!

I was chuckling after only a few lines of paragraph one so i really really look forward to reading what else you can get up to. Buy this book, RIGHT NOW!

Here is a quick review, it’s not the best but i don’t care, i have a full english for tea!

The Trolltooth Wars is the first of three Fighting Fantasy novels, no choices, just 200 odd pages of Allansian goodness! The main character is Chadda Darkmane, who gets caught up in the row between evil peepsters DJ Z-Marr and MC Dire over whether they should play ragga jungle or happy hardcore at the upcoming rave in Port Blacksand. Only joking, it’s good for moral! Zharradan Marr was getting some drugs delivered from some far off place and on the way back while on the Trolltooth Pass Balthus Dire’s troops went and stole it. This made him unhappy as it was well good shit that could take you to the spirit plane or something. (Drugs are bad mm,kaay?!)

I spent the whole book struggling over which was which (very annoying!) but (i think!) Marr was the one who lives underground under a town called Coven and who’s army was mainly human with un-dead zombies and other weird stuff, Dire was the one in the black tower who used goblins and ogres and suchlike. Pretty evenly matched but whoever won the ineveitable war would then have no threats in the area and may possibly decide to attack Salamonis, ruled over by King Beardy-Boy and the place you call home.

Actually cheesing his kegs, the king tells you to go try to make sure one side does not gain the upper hand / turn things to Salamonis’ advantage. Aye, right pal, could you be any more vague? You get a little vegetarian assistant called Cherva (who is pretty cool) to help you and have to go and find the censor in Shalazaar who will be able to tell you others that can help you. This is going to take days, no sense of urgency here, no sir!

You end up joining up with Jamut Mantrapper who it must be said fucks up so much you wander if it was worth the effort! He takes you to meet Yaztromo (who sadly doesn’t sing “The only way is up” when climbing his tower). You end up travelling to firetop mountain, the coolest bit of the book to get help from Zagor, and this being the third time i have been there loved this part of the book! It’s like the Butlins of Allansia!

Cherva wakes the sleeping Orc at the start and other places will definitely be familiar. You eventually get to Zagor, double crosses, unexpected deaths follow and after all that he still decides to help you, what a top guy! I’m going to replay WOFTM and let him kill me, he deserves that treasure!

He gets you on Marrs flying ship the Galleykeep and you end up winning though the ending is a bit weird, i don’t even understand it enough to comment! Just think of Banzai, “BET, BET, BET!”

A really enjoyable book, Darkmane is a great character, i’ve read Demonstealer and about to start Shadowmaster, just a shame that will be the last book, i hope they do more!

Greetings to anyone that reads this! I’m Matt, 41 from Coventry and a fan of Fighting Fantasy since i was about 9. This is my blog where i will be posting gamebook stuff and random stuff as well, never had a blog before though so apologies if it’s rubbish! I’ve not long come out of hospital after spending 16 days in there with pneumonia, that gave me some time to get some gamebook related items for my collection so i hope to post pictures shortly. (I may even post some pictures of the pudding i had in hospital as it was really tasty!) And with that, i bid you a good day sirs and siresses, much love